Keeping busy...

A little over a month has gone by since we lost Jen.  It still feels awkward referring to her as if she's gone.  I'm not always sure how to say it...she died, she passed away, she left us, etc.  I could just speak about it as simply as Emma does...she's in heaven.  For some reason that may have sounded funny if when I spoke to the car insurance guy today I said "you need to amend my auto and home policy because my wife relocated to heaven."  I guess that would have made the conversation a lot more comfortable, but instead he used a professional term multiple times: deceased.  That word sucks.  No matter how it is articulated, I can still look beyond her journey there and find comfort in the final destination.  I do my best to imagine heaven with Jen in it, but it's another one of those things I just can't wrap my mind around.

The girls continue to do well.  There are only a handful of times in the past month that either of them has shown any sort of sadness knowing that Jen is no longer here.  It's not that they don't miss her or don't often talk about her, but I think that we are all doing a good job of saying the proper things and comforting them in Jen's absence.  I know that there's spiritual involvement that also brings them comfort.  Emma often, out of the blue, will point somewhere and say she sees mommy.  The other day my brother was leaving our house and ran into our neighbor in the front yard.  Emma suddenly felt compelled to open the front door and tell him "Uncle Dustin...I forgot to tell you that my mommy really likes it in heaven...she is having a lot of fun."  It just so happened that the neighbor had just asked Dustin how the girls were doing.

As for me, I am also doing well.  I still have my moments, but I prefer to have those moments alone.  I go about 90 miles an hour every day for what seems like all day, but when the nighttime comes and the girls are in bed, I finally slow down.  That's when things can be difficult.  I said "can be."  Most often I enjoy the peace of the evening and reflect on good things.  For some reason, my strangest moments are in the middle of the night.  I often wake up suddenly from what seems like a deep sleep.  The first thing I do is check the clock and then analyze what little bit of light I can see in the darkness.  I don't even know what it is I'm looking for.  Sometimes I'll go as far as getting out of bed to walk around the house and check things out.  It's weird.  Maybe subconsciously I'm hoping to see Jen faintly in the darkness just dropping in to say hello...who knows?

Belle (our new kitten) is also doing well.  She has grown very accustomed to our house and being around the girls.  She is very playful.  Peighton has a habit of picking her up and carrying her around like a doll.  Emma and I have to quickly tell her to put Belle down before the razor sharp claws catch her in the arm.  Thankfully, the only person that has had any major claw injuries is me.  That is mostly because she clings to me late at night as I sit at the table on the computer doing some late night work or blog writing.  A swift little smack on the behind sends her to the living room to play with her toys.  I'll agree with what most people have said - cats are much easier than dogs!

Let me remind everyone of some dates to put on the calendar:

** March 18th - Trouser Mouse event from 4:00 - 8:00 PM...I'll post the details again in a day or two.

** May 10th - "Wind that Shakes the Barley" premiere...details to come.

** May 12th - Kansas City Crawl for Cancer...read the last post for details!

Lastly, don't forget all of the wonderful people with compelling stories in our Cancer Blog Network.  Check in on them when you have time.  Drop them a word or two of encouragement on occasion.  I know first hand that it is as good as any medicine from the pharmacy.

Comments

[RCook]

You are such a loving and compassionate person. With all you have been through you are so willing to share your blog family with other cancer patients. I am 51 yrs old and until I met you and Jen through this journey I do not believe I was a mature caring adult. You both have taught me so much. Thank you.

As always you and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. Have a great weekend.

[Lisa Mudge]

Recently a friend of mine Shawndra Turner has shared your family’s journey with me. You are truly a wonderful person! Your family has taught me so much. I hope I can take those lessons incorporate them to my life. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.

[Alaina]

Chris,

How sweet your girls seem to be. I like Emma's way...she is in heaven. I cannot even begin to understand or tell you what would be most easiest. I think after time, you will discover the easiest way to speak about Jen and how she is in heaven now. You seem to always find the right words to use.

I am glad Belle is adjusting to her new home well and your family is enjoying her. You and your family deserves many smiles on your faces.

I have a few more friends of ours interested in the CFC. I hope you don't mind. :) The more the merrier, right? That is alwyas our motto with our group of friends her in Cape. "Yeah, tell them to come!"

Your story really has inspired me. I spend more 'quality time' with my girls and Jeremy. It seems to have opened my eyes about some things. Jen has definitley changed this world, and few people can say that their life and death has touched people thousands of miles away.

Alaina

[Lisa Long]

It amazing what we learn when we walk the journey with a loved one that is diagnosed with cancer. I was caretaker, daughter, trusted side kick and joke teller to my Mom until her journey was completed in March of 2005. How precious it was to be there when her spirit left us behind to join our Saviour, Jesus Christ in his glorious light. My Dad / best buddy soon followed at Christmas of 2006. I take comfort knowing they are together again. Our faith is strong in my family as it sounds like it is in yours and reading your blog about your beautiful wife Jen is an inspiration to all. Cancer sucks - plain and simple. Please know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Karen]

Chris,

About imagining Jen in heaven, right after Christmas I read a book called "90 Minutes in Heaven" written by a guy named Don Piper who was a pastor in Texas. This book has become a New York Times best seller. In short, in the late 80s he had a terrible car accident in which, he says, he died...for 90 minutes. Apparently this can be confirmed. The EMS covered his car with a sheet and worked to recover persons in other cars. They were about to have the car taken away from the scene when they realized Piper was alive. Given his blood loss and injuries, for him to have survived after 90 minutes does not make sense. At any rate, Piper says that during that 90 minutes, he actually went to heaven. He describes with detail I've never heard the things he saw and heard, the people he saw that "relocated" before him...there was a "welcoming committee" for him of loved ones, friends, and others that had touched his life, and they were all restored.....I don't know if his story is true or not, but I do know that Christ is my Savior, I believe in heaven, and I now have a concrete concept of what heaven might very well be that I can hold onto...I considered sending this book to you when I sent that little book with the CD to the girls, but opted not to because we've never met and I just didn't know what you would think. You might be very interested in Don Piper's story. I personally found it very interesting and comforting, and I want heaven to be what he describes...

[Jennifer Teegarden MD]

Chris,

You & your girls remain in my thoughts & prayers. I am trying to get together a group of girls for the Cancer Crawl and also hope that Jen's cousin Lori Bles can join us. I let you know in the next week. Take care of yourself and your girls & I hope that you all have a great weekend.

Jennifer

[Erin RN]

Chris~

It is always wonderful to read your blog entries. Most of us, who cared for you guys... well, heck all of us... check in on you from time to time. I'm not sure what compelled me to write today, but here it is. We think of you, Jan and the girls pretty often. I'm glad to see things are going okay.

I appreciate you sharing the blog addresses of others. It has a pleasure to get acquainted with them and their stories. How very thoughtful!

Lots of thoughts and many prayers.

[Jennifer Letchworth]

I am really sorry to hear about your wife. I do not have much free time, so I have only read some of the blogs. In your recent blog I can identify with about everything you are going through. I lost my boyfriend of nearly 13 years, the father of my 4 kids just over 6 months ago. It was so sudden we did not have a chance to say goodbye. I watched helplessly while he slipped away. Everytime I see or hear of something funny, I catch myself turning to tell him, but I'm sure he is watching and laughing with me. At times I feel a warmth like how it felt when he would hug me. I am just recently able to say out loud that he died without totally breaking down. The kids has kept me going. I try to stay busy so my mind won't wander. What is wierd is the dates you have posted for the upcoming events are the birthdays of my 3 oldest children.

[Daphne in Alabama]

I just wanted to say that I enjoy to continue to read your blog with each update. Your strength is amazing. Jen's story has truely changed my life. It changes the way I think daily. I added it to a link on my blog so that I may also share Jen's story.
Blessings to you and your family!
Daphne Jerkins

[Sarah Hunter]

Continuing to have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend with this amazing weather. Glad to hear you guys are doing good.!

[Kristen]

Everytime I check in to see what is new with you and the girls you inspire me. It is simply amazing that you continue to comfort so many with you words. I am one of the many Swim Things "family" members that continue to follow your inspiring words. Although I have never met you I learned about you and Jen from my fellow employees. Jan Castle is also my daughters principal at school and we have talked of you in the past. If you are ever in Swim Things I would be honored to meet you. You are such a inspiration to me and have helped me to hold my family a little closer. Thank you for touching my life so deeply!!

[Alicia Bailey]

I wanted to thank you for creating and posting the links to other blogs. When browsing them a few nights back I came across an old classmate of mine. I was so excited in an odd way to find her blog. Now I can check in on her and let her know that I am thinking of her.

We all are so connected more than we know. I for instance stumbled across her sight because of you...because of Jen. Thank you for carrying on Jen's beauty, grace, strength and love. It is so good to visit the blog and see that you are still posting.

My family thinks of yours daily. Be it through prayer, thoughts or my children asking about your children (who they have never met)you guys have become part of our lives. See how connected we truly are.

[Jeanne]

Just checking in....glad to hear you and the girls are doing well. I checked in on Jan the other day. She spoke of the girls often. She truly loves helping out and spending time with the girls. You all are so fortunate to have each other. Thanks for the updates.

[Dee]

Chris and Family:
I too find it hard to think of Jen as gone.
When I come to the computer and go to her name I stop for a minute and realize that I am still connected to all of you. Thank you for continuing the blog and pictures, love to hear about the girls and their new kitty. It is so heartwarming to hear the Emma is strongly connected to her mom and continues to feel close to her. How blessed the little ones are - their minds are free and open. I know that you and Jan continue to speak to the girls in loving ways, trying to make this time in their lives as easy as possible. Once again, family is the most important thing any of us can have. Often we are the roughest on our loved ones in time of stress, but in the end we know that we love them and they are always there for us. It is wonderful to read that you and your family are moving one day at a time with love and faith.

God bless,
Dee

[Beth]

I came here following a link about the parade...but was moved by your blog and want to make one suggestion. I was 16 and my sister was 11 when our mother lost her battle with lung cancer. Her death was doubly traumatic as my father (not really...he adopted me, but was the biological dad of my sister) fell apart and abandoned us.

For years I felt as if I was living life inside one of those balls that hamsters roll around in. My life experience was so different from that of my friends that they couldn't begin to understand.

Later, in adulthood, I came across the book Motherless Daughters. There has since been a sequal...and there are support groups all across the country. If you're wondering how you can be all the parent your girls need, give the book a try.

I'll keep your family in my prayers!

[Alicia Bull]

Chris--

Just wanted you to know that you continue to show inspiration to all of us. Sharing with us the details of your life right now and your grieving process is something that we hope we can all learn from and certainly gain strength from and apply to our own lives when the time comes. This journey has purpose and you are doing a wonderful job of documenting it. Thanks for sharing. Please remember your family is lifted in prayer!

HUGS to you all- Alicia Bull

[Maisie]

Hi.
I'm fairly new to being a reader of your blog. I am very sad for the way things have turned out for you. Jennifer sounds a most special lady. I wish I had known her.
I am writing to you about the kitten and the scratches that you can avoid for the girls. There is a product called soft paws.
The are little nail covers for the kitten.
I am getting them for my cat. She has ruined my new furniture so I wish I had found them sooner. They don't hurt the cat at all. They are little plastic covers, and last for a few months.
I hope this helps a little bit.
http://www.softpaws.com/about.html
Take care.
Mary

[Chris Sanders]

Chris~
My sister told me of you and Jen's site and for the last 3 hours I have read the whole blog. I felt that I should tell you that you are one remarkable man. I heard your name throughout highschool but never had a chance to meet you personally, and Im really disaapointed that I didnt get to meet the most courageous woman,Jen, that I have ever heard of.The reading was one of the toughest things Ive done in my life, but it has opened my eyes, and made me realize how we are not promised tomorrow.I just cant commend you enough on your strength and love, you are an amazing man of courage.As being a Blue Springs native,you and Jen's story has touched and will remain in a special place in my heart! May God give you joy in knowing that your angel(and the rest of the world's) is in heaven and smiling down on you and your loved ones!Take care!

[Molly]

I have been reading your blog since January and recently received my bracelet! I really LOVE the colors! I think Jen and I have the same taste! I have recently started running for the first time in my life and it is HARD. But I have found that when I run I look at Jen's bracelet and it pulls me through. Her battle was harder than any of us could know and looking at her bracelet inspires me to push myself and reach my goal of running the Race For The Cure in August. I am always thinking of you and your beautiful girls. You are such a wonderful father. Keep giving those girls the love they long for and take care of yourself as well!
Thank you for touching my life and so many others.
God Bless,
Molly
KC, MO

[Jen NKCH]

Hey Chris,
I took care of Jen two times while she was with us on our floor at NKCH. She was one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the honor to care for or know. I read your blog today. I hate the word deceased too. It's such a cold word-medical term. I really do think she's an angel and she is watching over you and the girls. Im a parent, who has also had cancer INVADE my life by taking my mom. I have advice only if you want it...regarding the girls: be honest with the girls and encourage their coping skills. Stay open minded and receptive. Love the girls...give lots of hugs&kisses and encourage their ideas. Don't let anyone change your way of helping them through this difficult time. Your intuition and being a wonderful dad is whats best for you and Jen's little people :). Jen, you, and the girls are in my thoughts. Take care Chris

[Kevin Dessert]

well this site was sent to me from a friend and felt that it would help me to cope and understand and i only read a small bit of the story and hopefully i will be able to read the rest but to whom it was that is writing this i feel your pain and sorry i to have lost my loved one to cancer only a month ago. I can tell you that what you are going through is normal i do the same things with the waking in themiddle of the night and looking for god only knows what but have to wander through the house amlessly and find it very difficult to go back to sleep and the days are the easy part cause the pace of life keeps us occupied but the hours through the night seem to be the longest. and the hardest. I think it is so awesome that you have created this site for your wife and i wish that i had the courage to do such a thing. My hat is off to you.

[MARIANNE]

hi there---i first found your wonderful blog at this site http://hopecouragefaith.blogsource.com/ the girl who writes this blog mentioned jennifer's site and i checked it out and was drawn into the circle of all who were praying and hoping for your family.I notice you were saying that it would be nice for others to check out different sites and offer encouragement,so i thought i would mention Wendy's blog in case anyone wanted to drop by and say hello. I hope you and your beautiful family continue to find peace.On another note,when my sister lost her husband,her two year old was always reporting seeing Daddy. He and his little playmate were out playing hockey in the backyard with "daddy" we were told one day not long after he died.Perhaps the little ones are granted that comfort and we can only wish.take care.

[Marissa Brown(Meador)]

Thank you so much for keeping us updated on your family. We pray for you on a daily basis. I hope these prayers from friends and strangers alike are able to give you some peace. Our priest today talked about the measure of one's life. How we all focus so much on the activites our loved one's took part in, and funny stories involing them seem to take a fore front on remembering their life, but he said, did they have faith? did they live to impress the love of Christ through their actions onto others? Jennifer was a shining example of that. She showed us all how to carry our cross and put your life into the hands of God. I will forever remember your battle and fight and live my life with renewed vigor. Your wife was an amazing woman who not only made a difference to those loved ones, but also to us, who barely knew her. God bless you and we are thinking of you often.
Marissa

[Melodie Chrisman]

Hey Chris. I have all the dates down in my trusty planner and Brian and I will be there with bells on. I cannot wait to see you and your family and give you each a big hug and some sugar too!!!! You sound good and so do the girls. I told you our kitten is named Belle too and we have found when you take her into the vet if you ask them to clip the nails it helps alot while they are in the playful mode. Regan is ready for a playdate with the girls and we will have to plan that soon. See you Sunday ready to have a great time. Love to all.

[Kristin]

Chris,
I must tell you that you are a wonderful caring and wise person. I have been reading about jen and your family since hearing about jens condition from mix 93.3's radio station. unfortunetly it is with in the minute breaks I get here at school, but I just want to tell you thank you for giving your girls what I will never be able to imagine. My grandfather passed away ten years ago this october and its hard to imagine the kind of man he was then because I was so young and lived far away from him. Even though Emma and Peighton are still very young they will always be able to read what you have posted and know there mother not only through you but everyone around them. From what I have read I would have been honored to know your wife and your family, you are wonderful people and have been through a lot but with you strength and courage there will be more people able to get through what you have because you must be so many people's insiration. Have beautiful weekend. Kristin